Fortune Cookies, Sayings, And Random Quotes

This page is just a list of fortune cookies, sayings, and random quotes that are interesting, stick in my head, or tickle my fancy for some reason or other. I won't claim they make sense.


Your ability to juggle many tasks will take you far.
[Fortune cookie, 2002-07-29]

Well, what did you expect from an inverse square law?
[Michael Kim / unknown]

"But I don't want to go among mad people," Alice remarked.
"Oh, you can't help that," said the Cat: "we're all mad here. I'm mad. You're mad."
"How do you know I'm mad?" said Alice.
"You must be," said the Cat, "or you wouldn't have come here."
[Alice In Wonderland, Lewis Carroll]

The tenors need to tone it done just a little bit.
Tenors, you're on fire, you're not exploding.
[Jon Lang, 2000-01-24, to the tenors drowning out the basses on the Confutatis]

Maybe you should put some shorts on or something if you want to keep fighting evil today.
[Mystery Men]

Don't lose face! Insist on buying dinner for your tablemates.
[Chino Latino fotune cookie]

Your future is embarrassing. I can't even talk about it without curling right back up.
[Chino Latino fotune cookie]

Is it love or is it pity? Try not to think about it.
[Chino Latino fotune cookie]

He who laughs last is laughing at you.
[Chino Latino fotune cookie]

Get away from home awhile to restore your energies.
[Fortune Cookie]

"...And then it hits me. Like, I could totally afford all this cheese!"
[California Lottery ad]

"Behold the power of cheese!"
[California Cheese ad]

"It's got to be the cheese."
[California Cheese ad]

"I got the Motts!"
[Motts applesause ad]

"I'd rather not wake up and discover that one of Ponch's creations has self-rotated and left our home space hip-deep in squirrels. It would cause talk."
[The Wizard's Dilemma, Diane Duane]

Flying from ground to LEO tended to make a fear of heights either enough to kill you outright, or completely irrelevant for the rest of your life.
[On The Wings Of Dreams, Brian Antoine]

Who the hell are you and why are you so obscure?!
[Ruddock dinner announcement heckle]

Shorter and funnier!
[Ruddock dinner announcement heckle]

Vote early, vote often.
[Caltech saying]

I can feel the magic floating in the air.
["Breathe" by Faith Hill]

No, no, listen, don't listen to me, listen.
[the butterfly from "The Last Unicorn" by Peter S. Beagle]

This is not your room.
["Turner and Hooch"]

"Compassion is what you're good at. I'm better at complex searches through organized data structures."
[Jane, in "Speaker For The Dead" by Orson Scott Card]

Country music - the music that loves you back.
[John Michael Montgomery]

You may like those pants, but your hips hate them.
[Chino Latino fotune cookie]

It is time for you to appologize for your current hair cut and get a new one.
[Chino Latino fotune cookie]

Your ass is neither "unmentionably wide" nor "saggy".
[Chino Latino fotune cookie]

Silflay hraka, u embleer rah!
["Watership Down" by Richard Adams]

You think that's air you're breathing now?
[Morpheus, The Matrix]

Patience is not my virtue.
[Warriors of Virtue]

Do you usually look this sleepy at 4am?
[Michelle to Louis]

You are a strange, strange little man.
[Toy Story, aproximately]

That's the one thing about religion I am absolutely not willing to dispense with--much, much better curse words.
[Ursla Vernon]

"Um...is it magic?" "A feather from the wing of an angel made of dust? The fact that it exists is magic."
["Monsters Under the Bed" by Ursla Vernon]

I found Jesus! He was behind the couch the whole time.
[bumper sticker]

We ain't wrong, we ain't sorry, and it's probably gonna happen again.
["The Truth About Men", by Tracy Byrd]

It is now safe to take off your pants.
[Replacement for Windows shutdown screen; T.C.]

It's time for another rousing game of "Pant, Pants, Who's Got The Pants?"
[T.C.]

Spectacles, testicles, wallet, watch.
[the all important checklist, from Nuns On The Run]

Neither dared let the other approach, yet each repeatedly felt the impulse to do so himself, and yielded to it. It was foolish, frightening, ecstatic and unbearable all in one moment. It was more than curiosity. It was like a courtship -- like the meeting of the first man and the first woman in the world; it was like something beyond that; so natural is the contact of the sexes, so limited the strangeness, so shallow the reticence, so mild the repugnance to be overcome, compared with the first tingling intercourse of two different, but rational, species.
     The creature suddenly turned and began walking away. A disappointment like despair smote Ransom.
[C. S. Lewis, Out Of The Silent Planet (Ch 9, pg 56)]

It was only many days later that Ransom discovered how to deal with these sudden losses of confidence. They arose when the rationality of the hross tempted you to think of it as a man. Then it became abominable -- a man seven feet high, with a snaky body, covered, face and all, with thick black animal hair, and whiskered like a cat. But starting from the other end you had an animal with everything an animal ought to have -- glossy coat, liquid eye, sweet breath and whitest teeth -- and added to all these, as though Paradise had never been lost and earliest dreams were true, the charm of speech and reason. Nothing could be more disgusting than the one impression; nothing more delightful than the other. It all depended on the point of view.
[C. S. Lewis, Out Of The Silent Planet (Ch 9, pg 58)]

I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book.
[Groucho Marx]

These disks tell a story. Story about good, story about bad.
[The Neverhood (video game)]

And here we have a lizard that eats people. That's always popular.
[Woodland Park Zoo attendant, 2004-06-07]

I used to think I was a child; now I think I am an adult -- not because I no longer do childish things, but because those I call adults are no more mature than I am.
[Web MOTD, by ??]

audophile, n: Someone who listens to the equipment instead of the music.
[Web MOTD, by ??]

Pray: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled in behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.
[Ambrose Bierce]

Wasting time is an important part of living.
[Web MOTD, by ??]

... A triumph over the forces of suck.
[Urula Vernon, 2004-08-01]

If God wanted us to vote, He'd have given us candidates!
[Lance Z., 2004-09-24]

Before I read the chapter on ternary search tries, my life was a mess. It was a real rat-infested cesspool! But this book helped to set me straight.
[anonymous book review on Amazon, 2004-11-21]

You keep trying to pick a fight, but I'm still just happy you're still alive.
[The Incredibles]

I'm your wife! I'm the greatest good you're ever gonna get!
[The Incredibles]

...For fame's a weed, but repute is a slow-growing oak, and all we can do during our lifetimes is to hop around like squirrels and plant acorns.
[Neil Stephenson, Quicksilver (Waterhouse to Hooke, pg. 798)]

"She's making that face again. Must be passing gas!"
"When you make that face, you're calculating tip!"
[2006-08-15]

Bumper sticker: Migratory lifeform with a tropism for bookstores.
[2007-01-13]

From Dad's Office:
He holds the future in the palm of his hand...
Builds dreams and hopes that never end.
He is wisdom and love with a smile on his face.
He's a teacher.

Happiness is an inside job.
[2010-04-17 - Dove chocolate wrapper / Gwendolyn, Tamarac, FL]

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